Snacking is close to godliness in my estimation, but then again, I have the self control of one of those desert lizards that’s always scrambling desperately over scraggly rocks and thorny bushes after its next crunchy morsel. Yes, decrying the snack a week after the Super Bowl might seem heretical, but look: if you don’t stop your addictions to croissants or lard-chips or the ungodly delicious class of “puffed” snacks, one of these days you’re going to need a triple bypass, and there’s no use blaming genetics. So rather than even considering cutting down or stopping entirely (the last time I tried cold-turkey my familial relationships suffered and I became Morlock-like in both my mentality and my hygiene upkeep), I’ve decided to head off cholesterol at the pass with some healthier snacking alternatives. Here are my current solutions, which may not work for everyone, but should get those health wheels spinning. Be strong, friend.
Consider trying kale chips (they rock in iron, potassium and vitamin A and are low-fat), or baked multigrain chips. Brad’s Kale ChipsIf You Like Doritos
Healthy nut mix, no peanuts, low/no salt. Deez nuts are the good stuff, and while they aren’t quite as delectable as Cool Ranch, they have healthy fats and low sodium. Deluxe Mixed Nuts, Roasted and Unsalted If You Like Slim Jims
How do you eat those things? Anyway, try grass-fed beef jerky. Just cut down on salt for the rest of the day. Slantshack Jerky If You Like Twix
85 percent dark chocolate, in moderation. It’s more bitter than sweet, and expensive as hell, but it’s much, much better for you thanks to antioxidants and way less fat than milk chocolate. Lindt Extra Dark If You Like Sour Patch Kids
There is no alternative to sour patch kids. I’m sorry, but I swear to god If I ever stop eating them I’ll be dead. $14 (3.5-pound bag) If You Like Twinkies
Low-sugar snack bars. Kind bars are delicious and tend to have both nuts and fruit, and when eating them you can pretend you’re on a high mountain adventure instead of starving while waiting for the subway. Kind Fruit and Nut Bars If You Like Ice Cream
Fruit smoothie or parfait. Granola, Yogurt, Berry Parfait If You Like White Chocolate Frappuccino, Whole Milk, Extra Caramel Drizzle
You are disgusting. Drink a cup of black coffee, you hedonist swine. Folger’s If You Like French Fries
Go baked sweet potato fries if possible to at least get some fiber. Even better, get yourself to a classy joint that serves sauteed brussels sprouts or spinach. Boulder Canyon Lightly Salted Sweet Potato Fries If You Like Movie Popcorn
This is the movies, so snacking is encouraged. Treat yourself. If you’re at home, go for a “healthy” popcorn like Skinny Pop (also turn in your man card at a designated station) or eat some fruit instead. Skinny Pop
Once I bought 40 pounds of bananas. I didn’t set out to buy 40 pounds of bananas, but then I got to Trader Joe’s and my boy Garret was opening up a box, and I saw them all sitting there like yellow jewels, and they looked so good that I couldn’t resist. I ate five for breakfast, and then took down four or five as a supplement between meals every day for two weeks. They’re filling, pack a great energy punch, and are a great source of vitamin B6, fiber and potassium. All told, I ate about 100 bananas. The cost? Nineteen bucks.
– K.B. Gould