You know how many different smart watches Samsung introduced in 2014? Five. You know how many units they sold? Six. [Ed. Note: Stat pending a fact check.] Yeah, recently we were introduced to the Apple Watch — a revolutionary and magical take on wrist-borne computing and reciprocal communication complete with a “taptic” engine and sapphire screen. And yeah, with this release, wrist wearables may finally be finding their stride.
But who cares? Watches had perfected timekeeping by the time the personal computer was invented, and has society become so lazy that the eight-inch span between our wrist and our pocket proves insurmountable? What wearable technology really needs to capture the hearts and wallets of consumers worldwide is a revolution. Consumers need a feature set beyond their imagination, and they need it in a groundbreaking form factor wrapped in a shroud of tastemaker cachet.
So from GP’s own department of disruptive innovation comes a proposal: the iBuckle. Here’s a breakdown of its groundbreaking features.
A material difference.
Extraordinary results are never born from ordinary materials. It’s one thing to plate a housing in Rhodium. It’s another thing to carve it from a solid brick of the stuff. The result? Luxury cachet and heirloom quality.
Loud and proud.
The InfluenceAlert™ integrated loudspeaker plays one of four pre-loaded Soulja Boy sound bites when you get a new Twitter/Instagram follower.
Pay Bills. Without the Billfold.
Payment. Right on your waist. Module on the front-left (front-right for British markets) houses an integrated EZ-Pass that lets you securely pay highway tolls with a thrust of the hips.
Made to measure all the ways you don’t move.
The iBuckle unites the capabilities of an all-day fitness tracker and highly advanced sports belt in one device you can wear all the time, granted you’ve got belt loops. It uses a three axis accelerometer as well as barometric elevation to measure total pelvic movement in any direction. There’s even real-time motivational narration by R. Lee Ermey.
Our most personal device yet.
Our goal has always been to make powerful technology more accessible. More relevant. And ultimately more personal. The iBuckle is the most personal product we’ve ever made, because it’s the first one designed with an integrated Front-Facing WaistTime Camera, providing HD quality, 240 fps crotch-eye view of your surroundings.
There’s an iBuckle for everyone.
The iBuckle comes in three sizes: Machinist Christian Bale; Dark Knight Christian Bale, American Hustle Christian Bale.
Available only with 2-year contract.
Innovation in every interaction.
The integrated microphone makes voice control easy. Just say “Ahoy iBuckle” and set meetings, alarms, automatic text responses and more.
A more immediate, intimate way to connect.
Because the iBuckle touches your pants, we were able to add a physical dimension to alerts, notifications and apps. iBuckle also allows you to connect with your favorite strangers in some new, spontaneous ways not possible with any other device. Full Tinder integration with Tapthat feedback means wearers just thrust left or right to find their evening’s soul mate.
Set the mood.
By using its front-facing camera to analyze the opinions of surrounding bystanders, the iBuckle gives you a hand when you need it. If it senses an overly critical response to the iBuckle’s owner, the device releases a silent spritz of Acqua Di Parma’s Blu Mediterraneo.
Watch your waistline like never before.
The iBuckle combines a 4.7-inch AMOLED Touchscreen with an unprecedented new operating system specifically designed for upside down eye-to-crotch operation, making it easy to catch up on your favorite shows, check email, or play games from a comfortable seated position.
In addition to the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, the iBuckle is compatible with the three most popular phones of all time (according to sales): The Nokia 1100, 1110 and 1200.
Optional accessories include the MB-001 — a deep-cycle marine battery that mounts on the rear of the iBuckle’s belt and increases battery life to 12 hours — and the AFD-002 — a pair of fuzzy dice.